Just Stuff 11/29/10

I have an actual blog that I wrote, but have been unable to post. The technical problems are within me, not the computer or web sites. There is a feeling that I sometimes get, which is very hard to describe. In some ways it may be a kind or degree of depression, in others an odd sort of near-paralysis, a deep sluggishness, like trying to get somewhere slogging through waist-deep molasses. It's a bit like having some trash in your gas lines, making your car spit and sputter, rather than running smoothly. Consider this the trash. Funny though, some might consider this the blog and what follows the trash. *sigh* I feel like I am being dragged from poor, which was perfectly adequate, back toward poverty...which is not. It feels a little like a metaphorical death by a thousand cuts. I'm starting to wonder, just how metaphorical. Things continue to go wrong, no one of them, so far, of a genuine emergency nature. But collectively...

The microwave died some time back, but luckily we still had a little money left, so we replaced it. Melinda feels VERY strongly about not letting go of the burial insurance...so, for now, that is off the table again. We have been able to reduce the power bill by about $30 from last month. Whether that holds will depend largely on how cold it gets, and so how much we have to run the electric heater. We were able to redo the "bundle" deal with AT&T and reduce that bill by maybe $20. Netflix suddenly increased the rate, but only by $1 so it won't make much difference. The whole thing is still less than $10, so it's not a biggie in our cost/benefit analysis.

The fan in the living room has now died. Another cut...small, but still a cut. I need that for both air circulation and for the "white noise" of the droning motor to drown out other sounds like a dripping faucet, wheezing breathing, creaks and pops of the walls, sound of heartbeat. There is no money to replace it. There is no choice but to endure the other sounds. Suddenly the car speedometer only works intermittently. Another cut...small, but still a cut. No way to fix that.
For some unknown reason we have no hot water in the bathroom. It's a small thing...added to the collection. It's another bit of psychological drain. Luckily we still have hot water in the kitchen. Yes, that's the landlady's problem, but when your rent is $200, you don't make complaints except for the truly intolerable things. We are almost out of cigarettes again...and four more days till money. Most would reasonably say this is a good thing. To choose to stop smoking, and successfully do it, is a good thing. To be unable to smoke because you cannot get a cigarette is not at all a good thing. Whatever physical benefits may accrue as far as there not being smoke and all those chemicals in your body are much more than offset by the psychological damage; humiliation, building anger.

I have already vowed that we will NOT have such a problem next month. We will have cigarettes, no matter what. Plus, we will need other things Food Stamps cannot buy, such as paper products, laundry products, dog food, gas for the car, money to pay what medicare doesn't cover on my meds, etc. One more week... now maybe I can get the blog out.

TRB