Writing a Book

“So. How do you write a book?”

“Hallie Phino. I guess you just start off writin’ like you would a letter.”

“Naw...you need to have some limits on it. Like...what it’s gonna be about. You might use one o’ them twelve dollars words like ‘parameters’. You can’t just chunk a bucket o’ words up there and expect to have a readable book. And why would anybody try to write any book if they didn’t want someone else to read it? You gonna write about history or math or religion or some other fiction....?”

“Yeah, I see yer pernt.”

“I think if I was gonna write a book it would prolly be ‘technically’ a ‘biography’...meanin’ about me. After all, I think I know more about that than anything else.”

“Yeah...but you ain’t famous. I can see why somebody might want to read a book about Johnny Cash or Oprah but who would wanna read a whole book about a funny lookin’ weird fat feller from Felton that no body ever heard of?”

“Yeah, I see... HEY! Some folk have heard of me! I ain’t completely invisible yanno!”

“Oh sure, but like 17 people and most of them already know all about you they would wanna know, and you wouldn’t want the other 14 knowing too much.”

“Look, Sedgewick. You startin’ to press on me nerve, son. Jeebers. It wouldn’t have to be ALL about me I guess... Maybe have some other stuff about what I think about things.”

(Flash warning look at Sedgewick)

“I’d have to figger out how long a book too. I know a feller recently wrote a book and it ended up being published in three volumes. All told it took him something like ten years. It was actually published too, even if it was by one of the “vanity publishers”. Hey, it’s actually three physical books you can hold in your hand and you can buy ‘em on Amazon and stuff. Ten years...cornflakes, I’d be pushing it to go ten days doing something like that.”

“Short book.”

(snort pfffft)

“They got them E lectronic books now...can ya write one like that?”

“Prolly more my speed, only I dunno the tech stuff about publishing it in that format. You know, even though it’s cool to have a physical book, I wouldn’t want to even try to make any money or sell it. It just ain’t me.”

“Ok, so you wanna write a book you want somebody to read it, you want it be about you and....some other stuff. You do know some HTML and maybe a few other furrin words, right? You could write it in a website and tell folk where it’s at and then them what was painful hard up fer sumpin’ to do could come over and peer at it fer a while.”

(The stare bores through Sedgewick like a split beam phaser set on fuk up.

“You know, Bloomfeld, sometimes I think you do have a few brain cells left after all. A’ight. Less giver a shot and see if she falls over.”

“Ok, but besides being about you what else ya gonna chunk in there?”

“I guess some o’ my philosophizin’, throw in some stuff about religion and polly ticks (You know they have thousands of books just on them things)...”

“Yeah, so why would you want to do another one?”

(Back up Fernbank.)

“Yanno, it occurs to mah three brain cells, if you wuz gonna write a book and you just started off writing one, you’d have a couple pages by now, instead of a couple pages about how you might write a book.”

“Ok, Lum Bar. Youzza pressin’ me.

....and so it goes....

TRB