Naturally this culminated in the year of our lard, 2012; the time that everyone from The Mayans to the Chinese (they should have known!) to the Hopi to Nostradamus (according to some) said would be the end of us. Well, maybe I shouldn't say 'culminated' because there are some people left, so... It's not December yet so we are waiting to see if it really is the Culmination. It was the match some had been waiting for for years. A truly AllStar Card. Keith Olbermann had gone from MSNBC and shortly thereafter announced he had been hired by President Al Gore for a new show on Current. It was like on the pro-wrestling circuit, when a wrestler decides he's taking a little time off to relax, regroup, train hard and come back a monster.
Meanwhile, Glenn Beck announced he was leaving the Fox show he had been doing for years. He made a point of noting that he was NOT leaving Fox...just that show. It was to be HIS time to head into the dressing room to prepare for battle, just as God had commanded him. When the time finally arrived...the world held its collective breath...including factory workers in Bangladesh, India and such places who, previously, had never heard of either Olbermann or Beck.
This Event would have several differences from previous events...aside from the sheer scale of it; TWO referees, TWO announcers, TWO scorekeepers, etc. The global audience was expected to eclipse that of any mere sporting event, even the Olympics. This was genuine idealogical war (by proxy). The television audience consisted of tens of millions who had sworn they would never participate in any "pay-per-view" stuff (though concessions were made to accommodate all those who lived on less than the equivalent of $1000 US per year). There was no building on the planet, of course, which could hold an audience of this expected size. There would be billions watching in their mansions and hovels on gigantic wall TVs and tiny battery-powered boxes. But The Event (not to be confused with the sci-fi television series with the same name) must have some physical venue apropos of its significance. Thus, a location was selected in central China, all indigenous humans and all other life forms larger than a housecat were hastily removed...fortunately not many humans were there.
Chinese workers got to their task and within a month or so (these people know how to build), there sprang from the earth a vast Arena. The mere size of it would have had Roman Emperors committing Harry Carrie in shame and embarrassment. The Egyptians were embarrassed for a time that it had taken so long to build pyramids, but in fairness, the Chinese did have modern tools and machinery. The Chinese now had TWO things visible from space, which gave a huge amount of pride to a bunch of guys with small penises. You could see this one even better than the Great Wall, perhaps because the original wall builders had not thought to wire it for lighting. The Arena was so gigantic that many in the audience could not see the gladiators at all without binoculars. The size of the many digital screens ringing the top of the Arena were the size of two football fields joined side by side. One criteria in choosing the building site had been to ensure no fault lines were nearby which might be triggered by vibrations from the sound system. Of course, entire industries which previously never existed also sprang up to support The Event (everything from road builders to slaughterhouses), which resulted in hundreds of thousands of jobs for (mostly) Chinese workers which, in turn, quickly propelled China into the status of the wealthiest nation on the planet.
It was touch and go for a bit but Rachel finally agreed to be one of the referees, though she flatly (HA!)refused to do it topless and promised the Mother of all Lawsuits against the Chinese, GE, and the entire Corporatocracy and anyone else who had ever wanted to see her boobs (Susan was a possible exception), when The Event was over. Ed Schultz would be the other ref, mainly to ensure that Rush didn't try to sneak into the ring. Yeah, it was a ring, like a boxing ring, only larger and had tables and chairs in which the fighters and refs would sit during the bouts. In Glenn's corner, the Man Himself, Murdoch (sometime lately renamed Marduk), had deigned to watch, if he could see anything that was, through Rush's clouds of cigar smoke.
Anthony Weiner and John Boehner had resigned from Congress in order to participate. They also had a secretive (for now) but possibly highly lucrative joint business venture scheduled to launch immediately after The Event began. In fact it was the first scheduled commercial announcement. They would have an entire line of sausages, franks and weiners; great for those family and neighborhood cook-outs and a specialty line of BONER WEINERS, sculpted into penis shapes, 'specially for the ladies and, as silent partner Barney Frank insisted, for gays as well. Foods with multiple uses were becoming more popular. Tony and John were the scorekeepers of the whole works, just to keep it honest (and if you can't trust US Congressmen to be honest, well...)
Lawrence O'Donnell jumped at the chance to participate, staving off a declining career in Conan impersonations; and George Will (while he still could) would lob the questions at the fighters, some in rapid succession, some requiring in-depth answers. Watson was considered to participate for a time but was ruled out mainly because he did not appreciate the humor of BONER WEINERS. Some swore later they saw Asimo smile, but skeptics claimed it was only their own smile reflected in his visor.
This sexually suggestive verbiage was protested by some; others insisted on more weiner, less boner.
more actual meat, or more of a certain kind of sex.
Perhaps it was all the talk about sausages and weiners that aroused Sarah Palin to make her shocking announcement/offer, or perhaps the fear of being left entirely out of the idealogical limelight; but she did announce that she would be willing to be a topless referee, since Rachel "didn't have the hooters for it". Fearing that she would not be able/willing to eject (more likely erect) Rush if the need arose, the offer was rejected, whereupon she declared that she would be a topless card girl. Michelle Bachmann declared that she was too old, that she could use her droopy boobs to mop with, which prompted speculation about a Repub catfight match; a crowd pleaser before the Main Event.
There had long been "bad blood" between the two gladiators (that's what they were both being called by then) and Keith had predicted "'Lonesome Rhodes'' descent into oblivion". Perhaps, but Keith himself had been very close to occupying that land before his announced resurrection. Although a small number of humans? David Icke smiled their smiles, little did most of us know at the time, that oblivion, or something like it, awaited just over the horizon...for all of us.
This is the part where one might expect a "to be continued..." line. Instead, here is where you...
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*No guarantees are made or implied as to who, how or whether the story will continue or end.
TRB
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